3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
