I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
