sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
