my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I have peed in a lot of sinks
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
