JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize