Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
