dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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