I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
