I'm drive I can fine osifer
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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