i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
