How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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