Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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