Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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