the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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