We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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