WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
