ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
