woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
