theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
