Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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