I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I love you. Go after that dick
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
