Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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