At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
