he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
