Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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