I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
