Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
