you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize