Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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