I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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