i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
