I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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