my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i drank out of a bidet.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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