i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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