just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
