omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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