That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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