Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
and she was petting her beer can
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize