You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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