i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
