she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
no, he came in my armpit
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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