I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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