I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
