I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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