I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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