The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
