I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
