i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
