im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
