you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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