I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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