What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
