I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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