My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
