soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
