I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
