Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
