just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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