just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
