he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
