I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
